Don’t make someone a priority if you are just an option
The best line to speak out loud and repeat, repeat again and again. But somehow something inside me just doesn’t want to accept what’s going on. Everything is back to where we were last time. Me trying to hold off hunters and trying not to hunt myself just to keep your seat available while you’re gone. Because you appear to be doing the same. Are you just playing with me and my feelings? Like you’ve done before?
Like last year? Back then you kept me wondering why you just stopped communicating with me after an incredible two/three weeks. That got me wondering, kept me occupied made med not doing what I was supposed to be doing, finishing a paper. Exactly that paper is the reason why I haven’t started my master yet. It still isn’t finished…. I should have finished it a few weeks ago, but couldn’t focus because of all the promises that were made but not kept. Monday, last Monday I received the last message up till now. At 00.40 or something you wished me goodnight and apologized for sending such a short message and promised me you would contact me the day after. So far I have sent a few dozen messages trying to find out if you’ve fallen sick, got depressed, if you’re ok or down with something.
Yes, I’m worried, not only about us, but more about you, wondering if you really are alright or whether something is bothering you. Because if something is, please let me know so I can either try to fix it or at least try to make you feel better. When you do feel ok and nothing is wrong, please let me know how you feel. Not only feel as in if you’re ok but also give me some clarity so I will know if all the energy I’ve put in this, for a year now, has gone to waste. Because when it has I’ll strop trying and can really focus on this paper which should have been finished by 6pm so I could have mailed it to my prof. The decision I’ve made now is to keep working, as in work-work, tomorrow all day long, until about Sunday 4am.
When a nights work is finished I’ll try to get up at 9 am or so and finish this thing at about 4pm. Then deliver it to my prof personally and move on to the concert I’ll be attending in Amsterdam. If only I knew how you felt, what you want and/or wanted. Then I could be on my way either to you, or to finishing this thing.
Or maybe you’re just not occupied with me the way I am with you…