Okay, back again, for a little while. I might be gone after this, for real, or I might return, I just don’t know… It really sucks when you share everything with your friends, both on- and offline and in the end you find out things they’ve stopped have restarted elsewhere. Just found out such a thing while searching the web. Might also explain the difficulties in communication lately. Being ignored, receiving no replies, on- and offline trouble as well.
Bizarre, how feelings can make you continue things that will eventually hurt you. But hey, I can still mean something to them by ignoring myself, ignoring the fact this keeps hurting so bad and just by being there, listening, giving advice. Trying to prevent happening to them what they did/happened to me.
Worst of all, my birthday is tomorrow. And yes, it’ll be a disaster. For the first time in 26 years bad weather is expected. Like 20% chance of some sunshine and 90% rain…. To add a little insult to injury, nor birthdaycards have arrived today, absolutely none. Yes my birthday is tomorrow, but come on, no mail on sunday. Ah yess, let’s add a little something to that. Quite a number of people have canceled, so I’ve got far too much wine, soda, beer, chips, olives, toast, cheeses, everything. And finally yay, my sister won’t be coming to my birthday, again…. The distance from there to here is supposed to be to big. But hey? Didn’t I travel to her place? Yup, 3 hours by train, but I did it and will keep doing it. I was expecting her to come, but only heard she wasn’t coming via some indirect way a few hours ago.
So yes, life is ‘great’ especially when there are people around you who notice things are not so ok, who migt try sending a little energy and support your way instead of the other way round. If I could only go to sleep tongiht, and not wake up. Lie just the way that fly did in the food I ordered today (after which I threw all of it away, so I haven’t eaten anything as well…) Just be found cold. Some people will be here tomorrow so it won’t be a big thing to find someone who will take care of the cats/notice I’m gone. They’re my biggest worry, what if I’m gone, just poof, never wake up. Who will take care of them, and the people I took care of?

People around me having some spare time while I’m busy and vice-versa. Loads of people around me dressed nice, casual, hugging, kissing, holding eachother. Relationships are booming, some cease to exist, but only for a few weeks, months at most. All this is, again, driving me crazy. Torturing myself, not wanting to be a load of shiat for my friends because I need to be there for them and just deny my own feelings. Because if, no, when I stop running to look at myself to look at the personal devastation I’ve caused, things will all fall apart. The attention I need is, maybe on purpose, withheld or even withdrawn. How can it be that some, or maybe a lot, of people just can’t feel someone else needs them really NEEDS them. And they just go hmmhmm yeah and go back to their own business or ignore/semi-ignore you while online for example… So for the moment I’ll stop posting new blogs, yes even the tech and politics related posts will not appear here for a certain period of time. Most likely I’ll suspend all this for another two or three months. I could have made the decision to delete this blog, but I won’t. Don’t know why, but I just won’t.

Goodbye for now

Don’t make someone a priority if you are just an option

The best line to speak out loud and repeat, repeat again and again. But somehow something inside me just doesn’t want to accept what’s going on. Everything is back to where we were last time. Me trying to hold off hunters and trying not to hunt myself just to keep your seat available while you’re gone. Because you  appear to be doing the same. Are you just playing with me and my feelings? Like you’ve done before?

Like last year? Back then you kept me wondering why you just stopped communicating with me after an incredible two/three weeks. That got me wondering, kept me occupied made med not doing what I was supposed to be doing, finishing a paper. Exactly that paper is the reason why I haven’t started my master yet. It still isn’t finished…. I should have finished it a few weeks ago, but couldn’t focus because of all the promises that were made but not kept. Monday, last Monday I received the last message up till now. At 00.40 or something you wished me goodnight and apologized for sending such a short message and promised me you would contact me the day after. So far I have sent a few dozen messages trying to find out if you’ve fallen sick, got depressed, if you’re ok or down with something.

Yes, I’m worried, not only about us, but more about you, wondering if you really are alright or whether something is bothering you. Because if something is, please let me know so I can either try to fix it or at least try to make you feel better. When you do feel ok and nothing is wrong, please let me know how you feel. Not only feel as in if you’re ok but also give me some clarity so I will know if all the energy I’ve put in this, for a year now, has gone to waste. Because when it has I’ll strop trying and can really focus on this paper which should have been finished by 6pm so I could have mailed it to my prof. The decision I’ve made now is to keep working, as in work-work, tomorrow all day long, until about Sunday 4am.

When a nights work is finished I’ll try to get up at 9 am or so and finish this thing at about 4pm. Then deliver it to my prof personally and move on to the concert I’ll be attending in Amsterdam. If only I knew how you felt, what you want and/or wanted. Then I could be on my way either to you, or to finishing this thing.

Or maybe you’re just not occupied with me the way I am with you…

Things have changed, communication has faded. Even after receiving a boost, a multiple number of times, all appears to be going downhill from here. I’m trying to pour all my energy into reviving what was, and what, somehow, wasn’t meant to, and thus never will be. The only way to keep things alive is by letting other things die a little, or more.

Precisely one year ago the same thing happened, but this time with a positive twist. we were communicating, a lot. That two-way traffic did cost a lot of energy, energy found when doing less and less work for the university. I did have a great time back then, but I failed to accomplish something, anything. No spark, or I was too ignorant or blind too see yours. We connected, but surely I wasn’t going to make any first moves. Putting so much energy into it all made me (yes me, I’m not accusing anyone I made the decision). But draining energy from essential tasks made my life take a certain twist. Not being able to get my bachelor last July just because I didn’t pay any attention to the paper I had to write. I was thinking about writing other things, about messaging, calling, visiting!

But now that a year has passed nothing has changed. When you were down I tried to cheer you up. Whenever you wanted to visit you were welcome, more then welcome actually But I never felt being in control. You told me when you had time and I, blindly, agreed, because I was dying to see you and grab every opportunity. Never visited your house, went out in your hometown, met any of your friends, nothing. I’ve already given up being online almost 24/7 to try and catch you signing in, so we could chat. That just drained me from both sleep, energy and well, visiting friends.

Thus, in trying to gain some grip on the things happening communication has gone down even more, both the quantity, as shown above, but also the quality. Lately most communication was, and still is, me asking whether you’re there, and if you’re ok. Usually answered by a short response, or no response at all. While writing this I can recall all the other moments this exact order of events took place. Not once, not twice, this might be the fifth time or so? But I can’t let go, while being destroyed I also need you to go on in life, at least I feel i do. I can’t help wondering what opportunities would arise when this was over, gone. But I can, and will not let go because the times you hurt me, don’t mean I will destroy you, I can’t. Maybe I can’t because I feel history will repeat itself. This bad ending is the end of another, the fifth, cycle. Within a few eeks all will be ok, you’ll feel better, make-up and I’ll play along, until all goes down and rational thinking and future planning take over instead of emotions.

‘It seems as if history is repeating itself, again’

Dear readers, another digital related post today. Not software for your desktop or a small cabfle for your smartphone, but a full os upgrade for the HTC P4350. With this file you can upgrade from windows mobile 5 (WM5) to windows mobile 6 (WM6).  Below is a list with a number of either new or improved features in this version. Since a lot of Vodafone users, this upgrade is for Dutch Vodafone HTC P4350’s only, experience problems connecting using windows live mseenger, I’ve also included a newer version of windows live messenger in the package (seperate cabfile).

Before upgrading, backup all your data since installing a new os on your phone is like performing a hard reset, thus deleting all your personal settings (files stored on microSD will not be affected). Finally, two things: 1. use this at your own risk, follow all on screen instructions and you should be ok. 2. To be able to use GPRS goto connections->vodafone office (yes, office) and change the accespoint from live.vodafone.nl to live.vodafone.com . Somehow HTC entered the wrong AP in this rom upgrade.  After installing take a look at internet explorer->htc page->software or surf to www.freecabs.de for loads of free programs and games!

Some features:

Really, a week ago I was looking forward to the big celebration, the end of this and the start of a brand new year. Unfortunately the last few days sucked. Not because of the visitors, definitely not, but because there’s something wrong. It started when the person who always keeps me going left me last Thursday. Not left as in abandon, but left as in went home. But soon afterwards I felt emptiness, as if something had been lost… I didn’t have much time to think about it because another friend would arrive the next day.

A long lost friend, naaaah, not that long, I had visited her last march. When we met at the station it all felt good, we had a great time talking, discussing life as it had been and is atm. But after an hour or two at my place I felt friction. She insisted on showing me youtube vids about stuff that really doesn’t mean a thing to me, popular culture stuff and such. Hundreds of vids titled ‘ me singing’. Can’t we just stop that crappy ‘me singing’ shit? Come on, every hype is supposed to go away after a while, not grow bigger and bigger over time with no end in sight. To provide the necessary change I showed her the original Charlie vid and the make-over done by thehill88. I kept watching her vids, silently, but managed to make it through. She on the other hand made clear she didn’t like any of those, so I stopped them…

After preparing and eating dinner, something she did like, we went shopping, with just an hour left. She bought a few things here and there and I managed to recommend a movie, she wanted to buy lesbian themed movies. So I came up with Fucking Amal, not a complicated story, just two or three story lines, some simple characters, a pleasant movie to watch without doing too much thinking. Back home we watched it and we both enjoyed the movie After which we prepared to go out. I told her I usually leave at half past eleven because nightlife starts late. But she insisted on leaving early to just get a drink. So we left at half past ten and entered my club which was empty. She had called a friend, who also lives in Gouda, to meet us there and chat a little. The little chat turned out to be only drinking three beers together, seeing the club fill with a few dozen people, and empty again as soon as midnight was approaching. We decided to leave as well, but not to my place.

The beer started doing its job, and I gave in too early when her friend insisted on going to his home to enjoy the night some more. At first I hesitated to go because we had to walk a 30+min walk. But eventually I gave in and we started walking to his place. We had a good time there, but it’s not like I would have missed anything if we hadn’t gone there. The only thing we missed was sleep, lots of it. We were supposed to get up at 10am, but got to bed late, real late. The last time I checked my clock told me 6am…… After bringing her to the station, saying goodbye etc, I felt like I kept sleeping the whole Saturday. But I had to go to town just once, to buy a new belt. I somehow ripped my old one :S Ah well, didn’t know what I was doing when pulling on the thing, instead of trying to find out where it was jammed….

After fixing a new belt I went, and stayed home doing nothing. Not going out that eve, feeling tired, but also, well, not ok. That feeling continued Sunday and today as well. It feels a little like the flu, but it’s not quite the flu. I really don’t know what it is, but I feel bad. I promised to go to a bar tonight to serve food between 2 and 3 am on Jan 1st. I have to go because I promised, I always keep those. Too bad I’ve just heard the people I like best are staying home, with their families, so it will be just me and, me…. The reason I offered to work for an hour was to get there that night, because it was sold out. Work for an hour=get in for free. Now I’ll be in there, but not with the people I want to be with…

I surely hope the evening itself will turn out better. I’ll be with two friends, eating and playing games, with a third friend joining us later tonight. But he managed to piss me off, nah that sounds too aggressive, he managed to get me disappointed in both him and myself by commenting on my hyves (social networking for those who don’t know) as if I were a kid. I hope he didn’t put in smilies because he doesn’t know how. When he didn’t put them there because he meant what he was saying, this new years eve might be a bad one, one as bad as, as never before.

Or maybe I’m just overreacting, being a little too sensitive because I don’t feel well. But why don’t I feel well? Is it because of loneliness, because that good friend from before has changed so much we don’t share the same interests? Is it because I’ve put in a lot of energy to be at the club tonight with no one of my friends being there even though they did make it clear, a little, they would be there? It’s not as if I’ll be all alone, but I’ll definitely be missing some people. Ah well, happy new year to all you guys out there. Signing out from wordpress for this year, all I can do is hope that things will turn out a little bit better then now.

Only for windows mobile 6 smartphones, here it is. Not as impressive as I hoped, it only adds a little extra functionality such as office 2007 support and some other minor stuff. So this will be a very short blogpost with just this link.

Enjoy

I just keep sticking with IM applications… This one is not meant for your desktop computer, but for any windows mobile 5 or WM6 based device. Instead of using the very slow built in messenger program, or the even worse and slower webbased messenger, this beta has it all. Below are a lot of screenshots and a link to get the beta yourself. For those who don’t know how to install a cab on your windows mobile based smartphone: copy the cab to your device/storage card, and execute it on your phone. Some options are: synchronize your contacts, windows live mail and use windows live search.

Installation

Setup

Configuration

Usage

Download!

Allright, I’m here to share the new windows Live Messenger beta version 2009 (9.0.1407.1107). Some changes have been made, ranging from options to block spam, certain buttons greyed out when chatting with someone using an older version, to setting up specific login and signature sounds for yourself and contacts. And there’s much much more. such as the always present ads, which can be removed using the patch provided in the dl.

The beta was intended for a select 5.000 testers but has, so it’s guessed, been spread to over a hundred thousand, 100.000, people so far, and will continue spreading. Bad? Who knows. Beta testers do complain, but why, because they feel they’re not part of the elite, the special select group? Do they fear people who have gotton hold of the leak turn on support options so MS will get usefull information from users even when they’re not beta testers?

Ah well, that’s a different discussion, in the meanwhile, for you to enjoy: messenger 9, patch included (17.747Kb) And credits/bloglink please whenever you link to this fast dl. When there’s too much dl’s not originating from here (and no credits, the file will be reupped, and the link on this blog will, of course, be changed)

So, I did promis to write some more today, some more about the last week, just because I failed to keep the outside world, yes, you, updated. Current situation:
Location: Home, in the smaller house, upstairs, confined with my two cats (yes, my house consists of two houses, a big and a small one, which have have been put together sometime during the 18th century)
Drinking: Coffee
Eating: nothing, just finished six good sandwiches
Feeling (physical): freezing my ass off, damn cold up here
Feeling (emotional): kindof alone, confined, needing
Feeling (other): something between a hangover and ‘normal’(so not quite ok…)

Right, so here I am, kind of alive. To explain the bit about the house, I live in a huge building which I’m currently ‘watching’ for two friends of mine who have moved to Paris for four years. Which means I have a cheap, huge place to live in. But it also has its disadvantages, such as temperature. ATM the house is being renovated, also the part which is ‘my’ place. Which means I don’t have any plaster on my walls on the inside and almost no insulation, quite cold…. But that’s not so bad, because I can use all rooms in the house, including those which have better heating. But once a month one of the owners, or both, come back for a few days to do their things. And, unfortunately for me, they have a dog. A damn dog which scares the shit out of my cats. So I relocate my cats upstairs in the small house so they only have two rooms to live in for a week. And, automatically, I move with them, since they’re my everything. So that’s why I’m sort of confined upstairs, I cannot abandon my cats, actually, I think I’ll die without them….

When I woke up this morning I also thought I was about to die. Damn, I awoke at 9am, felt dead, turned, and awoke again at half past ten. My phone rang… but there was no caller id. Since I like to now who’s calling, I just hate anon callers, though sometiems new customers have their id off, I just ignored it. Changed my phone from sound to vibrate to no sound at all and went back to sleep because my bed was so warm and the world outside cold, godforsaken cold, frozen over cold. (and temperatures are not even behind zero degrees celcius yet). About half an hour later I awoke again, went downstairs, you know, drink something to prepare to either get up or dive straight into bed again But when I was downstairs I met someone :S

Yup, one of the owners who was supposed to get back here on thursday, had arrived. And was willing to take a video of my hair :p For his wive and daughter, to take back to Paris and show them, he was amazed at my new look! But I felt like, wel, dead. So I greeted him, drank something and went straight back to bed. I finally awoke at half past 1 (pm that is, shame on meh :p). Took a shower, put in my contacts, listened to my voicemail, got some coffee and started waking up.  Why I slept so long? Well…

Last night turned bad, in more ways then one. At 10pm or so I decided to go out, just for a little while, to see what people thought of my hair and, of course, to meet some friends, I usually meet some at the bar. But, unfortunately, I had almost no cash, so the first trip was to the ATM, just a few hundred meters away from ‘my’ bar. After getting some cash I almost ran to the bar, felt like it was freezing outside. Security looked at me, smiled, made a nice comment, and let me enter. The first half hour i felt strange, couldn’t concentrate, I felt like I was being watched by a thousand eyes. And, at that moment, it didn’t feel good at all, it made me uncomfortable. I decided a few beers would make me feel much better it did, sortof.

I struck up some conversation with girls next t0o me, but it just didn’t work. I don’t know why,b ecause I felt they were much younger then me? Because I kept thinking about other things, because I was occupied with a world of my own? I don’t really know, welll, maybe I do… Anyway, as the beer kept flowing I actually did feel better, chatted some more, watched the people aroudn me. Had a conversation tha turned bad. With a real nice girl who, unfortunately, kept bragging about her private school, job guarantee afterwards, parents paying everything etc. I responded by showing off as well, but that apparently turned her down. Ah well, it might even be better that it did, because I don’t want to be, act, or even look like someone I’m not.  But still, he looked nice, looked like someone I know, hmmmz dreamy!

As the night progressed, everyone drank more and more, including me, but I was having a great time, like everyone else. Then…. the sudden urge to go to the bathroom. And, as always, there was a huge queue in front of the mens room. So, for once, I decided to cheat and sneaked into the toilet next to the mens room. when you see the layout of the building you can probably understand  why I did that, it’s two doors next to eachother, and it’s not like I’m the first doing this, men do it all the time. I went in, put the seat in the upright position, but noticed the seat had come loose, or had been loose all the time. Anyway, I did my thing, went out and ordered another drink, deciding this was to be the last one, since it was 2am, or 3, dunno :p

The bartender, one of the, they kept giving me free drinks and such, you know, I get there foten, too often! Anyway, I ordered another drink and this nice guy froms ecurity came up to me, asked if he could have a chat with me. Well, sure, I wasn’t talking to anyone at the moment and I’m always prepared for some good covnersation. Unfortunately he didn’t have the same view on the word ‘conversation’ because his covnersation was kind of like a monologue. ‘People’ had complained I went to the ladies room next to the mens room. Luckily for me I acted quite cool, like, “well, yes I did”, nothing more nothing less. This apparently was the right miove, because he told me to please don’t do this again. But, he continued, whatever did I do to the seat? Erm, well, nothing? After some staring at me he moved away. Pfew, I felt like the night had taken a bad twist, like he was going to throw me out, like all the fun I always have there was suddenly forgotten.

To make matters worse, yes I was about to order a drink, the bartender I like most told me to order coke instead of beer, I was about to, because I didn’t want to crawl home, so I ordered one. He also asked me abut WTF I did with the seat. I tried to explain that I’m not the kind of person to destroy stuff that’s not mine, he gave me my drink, told me ok, and continued his business. The next half hour was, well, I didn’t feel ok. Maybe they don’t know me that well, but those kind of comments and questions really get me. I kept on thinking about the mistake I made by skipping the queue, which resulted in me being associated with damaging a toilet seat… I went to the bartender again and told him that, while I didn’t damage anything, I could take the blame for it, just to get over with this, because I kept having a nasty feeling. After some arguing he told me it was really ok, but I just, damn, something had snapped at the moment I was accused of doing such a thing…

I went home a few minutes afterwards. I don’t even remember how security looked at me when I left, but that whole toilet thing ruined my eve….

I’ll just make antoher post because there’s more to tell about last week)