So here I am,
once again life is going in circles. The same cycle as always: you support people, they get closer and closer, you start getting closer to them as well, supporting them more and more for, obviously, the wrong reasons. And in the end… POP, there goes the bubble. Something that never was, has been or will be, it only existed in my head, is gone for real. too bad real-life and real-life decisions cannot be made undone unlike thoughts and, in certain ways, feelings.
It may be my age, but now that I’m 26 I’m starting to look back more often, thinking about things, decisions, decisions that could have changed my life back then, decisions that could have made my life go a different way, make me end up somewhere else. Not even somewhere else, but even change myself as a person, make me different from who, or what I am today. So far I’ve had so many experiences, so many crossroads where I had to decide which way to go, or just stay where I was, that life has become complex in a real way.
Looking back, I could have ended up as a freelance reporter, having a nice job, not earning a lot, but being happy. But on the other hand, since there are far too many reporters here I might have ended up writing advertorials as many of my former classamtes do now. Even worse, if I hand’t found help I wouldn’t even be here today. It might sound harsh, but yes there were times, I remember them, I was busy, actively, ending my life. But I’m happy to be here today.
At the moment I’m trying to finish my master IR (International Relations). I’ve always loved politics, but after my internship at the Dutch Ministry of Foreign Affairs i’ve learned a lot. Idealism was destroyed and Realpolitik was introduced. A tough time, but a good time. hopefully I can go to the US next year doing research on Dutch-Norwegian relations regarding nuclear techonolgy, exchanges and the way the US tried to interfere during the seventies.
In the meanwhile I’m trying to run my little IT-company, manage a team of Pr-volunteers at a popvenue, being a part of the board of the popvenue, handling all external contacts/relations and keeping my house tidy. Oh and try to make a living, since money is always a problem. Especially after all the equipment I need, Ipod (I’m also a parttime programmer at the venue) and my main computer died during my holiday in France. And of course all other troubles you encounter when you’re working with volunteers.
I’m happy the story is all about me, me standing for work, study and research. Because the moment I start thinking about relationships I instantly get depressed. So far all attempts at building a relationship have failed. I don’t know why, really. It just doesn’t work. The moment I try to express myself to a girl, or woman i’m ‘like the brother she never had’. come on goddamnit! I’m trying to be there for you, whatever happens but it doesn’t mean I’m trying to be like a brother…
I love helping others, yes, even you girls I have a crush for. Just because, well, because I like to add a little to their life, be supportive, try to help them get a better life, comfort them, support them, whatever. But then I forget myself and I end up a lot of crap draining energy. Fixing stuff for those girls, but leaving me empty. with an empty heart, with empty emotions, with an empty bed….
I try to be there for you people, but what do I do when there’s noone for me, noone I can really trust without being afraid I might hurt them, make them worry about me?
