Things have changed, communication has faded. Even after receiving a boost, a multiple number of times, all appears to be going downhill from here. I’m trying to pour all my energy into reviving what was, and what, somehow, wasn’t meant to, and thus never will be. The only way to keep things alive is by letting other things die a little, or more.
Precisely one year ago the same thing happened, but this time with a positive twist. we were communicating, a lot. That two-way traffic did cost a lot of energy, energy found when doing less and less work for the university. I did have a great time back then, but I failed to accomplish something, anything. No spark, or I was too ignorant or blind too see yours. We connected, but surely I wasn’t going to make any first moves. Putting so much energy into it all made me (yes me, I’m not accusing anyone I made the decision). But draining energy from essential tasks made my life take a certain twist. Not being able to get my bachelor last July just because I didn’t pay any attention to the paper I had to write. I was thinking about writing other things, about messaging, calling, visiting!
But now that a year has passed nothing has changed. When you were down I tried to cheer you up. Whenever you wanted to visit you were welcome, more then welcome actually 
But I never felt being in control. You told me when you had time and I, blindly, agreed, because I was dying to see you and grab every opportunity. Never visited your house, went out in your hometown, met any of your friends, nothing. I’ve already given up being online almost 24/7 to try and catch you signing in, so we could chat. That just drained me from both sleep, energy and well, visiting friends.
Thus, in trying to gain some grip on the things happening communication has gone down even more, both the quantity, as shown above, but also the quality. Lately most communication was, and still is, me asking whether you’re there, and if you’re ok. Usually answered by a short response, or no response at all. While writing this I can recall all the other moments this exact order of events took place. Not once, not twice, this might be the fifth time or so? But I can’t let go, while being destroyed I also need you to go on in life, at least I feel i do. I can’t help wondering what opportunities would arise when this was over, gone. But I can, and will not let go because the times you hurt me, don’t mean I will destroy you, I can’t. Maybe I can’t because I feel history will repeat itself. This bad ending is the end of another, the fifth, cycle. Within a few eeks all will be ok, you’ll feel better, make-up and I’ll play along, until all goes down and rational thinking and future planning take over instead of emotions.
‘It seems as if history is repeating itself, again’
