Goodbye everything?

Okay, back again, for a little while. I might be gone after this, for real, or I might return, I just don’t know… It really sucks when you share everything with your friends, both on- and offline and in the end you find out things they’ve stopped have restarted elsewhere. Just found out such a thing while searching the web. Might also explain the difficulties in communication lately. Being ignored, receiving no replies, on- and offline trouble as well.
Bizarre, how feelings can make you continue things that will eventually hurt you. But hey, I can still mean something to them by ignoring myself, ignoring the fact this keeps hurting so bad and just by being there, listening, giving advice. Trying to prevent happening to them what they did/happened to me.
Worst of all, my birthday is tomorrow. And yes, it’ll be a disaster. For the first time in 26 years bad weather is expected. Like 20% chance of some sunshine and 90% rain…. To add a little insult to injury, nor birthdaycards have arrived today, absolutely none. Yes my birthday is tomorrow, but come on, no mail on sunday. Ah yess, let’s add a little something to that. Quite a number of people have canceled, so I’ve got far too much wine, soda, beer, chips, olives, toast, cheeses, everything. And finally yay, my sister won’t be coming to my birthday, again…. The distance from there to here is supposed to be to big. But hey? Didn’t I travel to her place? Yup, 3 hours by train, but I did it and will keep doing it. I was expecting her to come, but only heard she wasn’t coming via some indirect way a few hours ago.
So yes, life is ‘great’ especially when there are people around you who notice things are not so ok, who migt try sending a little energy and support your way instead of the other way round. If I could only go to sleep tongiht, and not wake up. Lie just the way that fly did in the food I ordered today (after which I threw all of it away, so I haven’t eaten anything as well…) Just be found cold. Some people will be here tomorrow so it won’t be a big thing to find someone who will take care of the cats/notice I’m gone. They’re my biggest worry, what if I’m gone, just poof, never wake up. Who will take care of them, and the people I took care of?

It’s that time of year again…

People around me having some spare time while I’m busy and vice-versa. Loads of people around me dressed nice, casual, hugging, kissing, holding eachother. Relationships are booming, some cease to exist, but only for a few weeks, months at most. All this is, again, driving me crazy. Torturing myself, not wanting to be a load of shiat for my friends because I need to be there for them and just deny my own feelings. Because if, no, when I stop running to look at myself to look at the personal devastation I’ve caused, things will all fall apart. The attention I need is, maybe on purpose, withheld or even withdrawn. How can it be that some, or maybe a lot, of people just can’t feel someone else needs them really NEEDS them. And they just go hmmhmm yeah and go back to their own business or ignore/semi-ignore you while online for example… So for the moment I’ll stop posting new blogs, yes even the tech and politics related posts will not appear here for a certain period of time. Most likely I’ll suspend all this for another two or three months. I could have made the decision to delete this blog, but I won’t. Don’t know why, but I just won’t.

Goodbye for now

Don’t make someone a priority if you are just an option…

Don’t make someone a priority if you are just an option

The best line to speak out loud and repeat, repeat again and again. But somehow something inside me just doesn’t want to accept what’s going on. Everything is back to where we were last time. Me trying to hold off hunters and trying not to hunt myself just to keep your seat available while you’re gone. Because you  appear to be doing the same. Are you just playing with me and my feelings? Like you’ve done before?

Like last year? Back then you kept me wondering why you just stopped communicating with me after an incredible two/three weeks. That got me wondering, kept me occupied made med not doing what I was supposed to be doing, finishing a paper. Exactly that paper is the reason why I haven’t started my master yet. It still isn’t finished…. I should have finished it a few weeks ago, but couldn’t focus because of all the promises that were made but not kept. Monday, last Monday I received the last message up till now. At 00.40 or something you wished me goodnight and apologized for sending such a short message and promised me you would contact me the day after. So far I have sent a few dozen messages trying to find out if you’ve fallen sick, got depressed, if you’re ok or down with something.

Yes, I’m worried, not only about us, but more about you, wondering if you really are alright or whether something is bothering you. Because if something is, please let me know so I can either try to fix it or at least try to make you feel better. When you do feel ok and nothing is wrong, please let me know how you feel. Not only feel as in if you’re ok but also give me some clarity so I will know if all the energy I’ve put in this, for a year now, has gone to waste. Because when it has I’ll strop trying and can really focus on this paper which should have been finished by 6pm so I could have mailed it to my prof. The decision I’ve made now is to keep working, as in work-work, tomorrow all day long, until about Sunday 4am.

When a nights work is finished I’ll try to get up at 9 am or so and finish this thing at about 4pm. Then deliver it to my prof personally and move on to the concert I’ll be attending in Amsterdam. If only I knew how you felt, what you want and/or wanted. Then I could be on my way either to you, or to finishing this thing.

Or maybe you’re just not occupied with me the way I am with you…

For you: for good and for bad. For me?

Things have changed, communication has faded. Even after receiving a boost, a multiple number of times, all appears to be going downhill from here. I’m trying to pour all my energy into reviving what was, and what, somehow, wasn’t meant to, and thus never will be. The only way to keep things alive is by letting other things die a little, or more.

Precisely one year ago the same thing happened, but this time with a positive twist. we were communicating, a lot. That two-way traffic did cost a lot of energy, energy found when doing less and less work for the university. I did have a great time back then, but I failed to accomplish something, anything. No spark, or I was too ignorant or blind too see yours. We connected, but surely I wasn’t going to make any first moves. Putting so much energy into it all made me (yes me, I’m not accusing anyone I made the decision). But draining energy from essential tasks made my life take a certain twist. Not being able to get my bachelor last July just because I didn’t pay any attention to the paper I had to write. I was thinking about writing other things, about messaging, calling, visiting!

But now that a year has passed nothing has changed. When you were down I tried to cheer you up. Whenever you wanted to visit you were welcome, more then welcome actually But I never felt being in control. You told me when you had time and I, blindly, agreed, because I was dying to see you and grab every opportunity. Never visited your house, went out in your hometown, met any of your friends, nothing. I’ve already given up being online almost 24/7 to try and catch you signing in, so we could chat. That just drained me from both sleep, energy and well, visiting friends.

Thus, in trying to gain some grip on the things happening communication has gone down even more, both the quantity, as shown above, but also the quality. Lately most communication was, and still is, me asking whether you’re there, and if you’re ok. Usually answered by a short response, or no response at all. While writing this I can recall all the other moments this exact order of events took place. Not once, not twice, this might be the fifth time or so? But I can’t let go, while being destroyed I also need you to go on in life, at least I feel i do. I can’t help wondering what opportunities would arise when this was over, gone. But I can, and will not let go because the times you hurt me, don’t mean I will destroy you, I can’t. Maybe I can’t because I feel history will repeat itself. This bad ending is the end of another, the fifth, cycle. Within a few eeks all will be ok, you’ll feel better, make-up and I’ll play along, until all goes down and rational thinking and future planning take over instead of emotions.

‘It seems as if history is repeating itself, again’

Windows Mobile 6 (WM6) download for HTC P4350

Dear readers, another digital related post today. Not software for your desktop or a small cabfle for your smartphone, but a full os upgrade for the HTC P4350. With this file you can upgrade from windows mobile 5 (WM5) to windows mobile 6 (WM6).  Below is a list with a number of either new or improved features in this version. Since a lot of Vodafone users, this upgrade is for Dutch Vodafone HTC P4350’s only, experience problems connecting using windows live mseenger, I’ve also included a newer version of windows live messenger in the package (seperate cabfile).

Before upgrading, backup all your data since installing a new os on your phone is like performing a hard reset, thus deleting all your personal settings (files stored on microSD will not be affected). Finally, two things: 1. use this at your own risk, follow all on screen instructions and you should be ok. 2. To be able to use GPRS goto connections->vodafone office (yes, office) and change the accespoint from live.vodafone.nl to live.vodafone.com . Somehow HTC entered the wrong AP in this rom upgrade.  After installing take a look at internet explorer->htc page->software or surf to www.freecabs.de for loads of free programs and games!

Some features:

•	Better-looking e-mail. Users view e-mail the way it was intended with its original pictures, tables and formatting, whether from a corporate e-mail server such as Exchange Server 2007, Web-based accounts such as Windows Live Hotmail or Yahoo! Mail, or a wide range of other service providers.
•	Ease of viewing and editing of Office system documents. The new Office Mobile suite, built for all Windows Mobile powered devices, gives users a truly familiar and powerful experience with rich viewing and editing capabilities, without having to worry about the deletion of critical formatting and images.
•	E-mail management and setup with fewer clicks. Nine new one-click options have been added, including Reply All, setting a flag, moving a message to a subfolder, and, of course, Delete. Users can set an automatic out-of-office reply while on the road when using a Windows Mobile 6 powered device and Exchange Server 2007.
•	Synchronization with Windows Vista. Windows Vista™ and the Windows Mobile Device Center take the guesswork out of managing a device and swapping music, pictures, movies and Outlook information between PC and the device.
•	Smart calendar bar. This innovative new feature gives users the ability to understand at a glance the day or week ahead and quickly determine open time on their schedules. With Exchange Server 2007, they can see who is attending a meeting and forward or reply to meeting requests.
•	Web search, e-mail, instant messaging (IM) and blogging all together. Windows Live for Windows Mobile will provide customers with a rich set of services including Windows Live Hotmail, Windows Live Messenger, Live Search and Windows Live Spaces, uniquely designed to work with Windows Mobile software. Users can also find all their contacts in one unified list and see presence information on their Windows Live Messenger contacts.
•	Contacts with context. Call history is now placed where it belongs, in each individual contact card, so people spend less time searching and more time communicating • Security options. The platform offers a variety of security options, giving IT departments ways to help secure a device, including new Exchange Server policies and certificate options, storage card encryption, and continued support for remote and local device wipe. • Protected content. Organizations using Information Rights Management (IRM) technology to help control the viewing, storing and printing of confidential information on PCs can now extend those capabilities to Windows Mobile 6 powered devices, a feature not available on any other mobile phone platform. • Line-of-business applications. Powerful, new mobile versions of the Microsoft .NET Compact Framework and Microsoft SQL Server™ are built into Windows Mobile 6, making it even easier to create and access sales tools, inventory tracking and many other applications from a Windows Mobile 6 powered smartphone. • Internet sharing. A new built-in application makes using a Windows Mobile 6 powered smartphone as a laptop’s high-speed modem “one-click easy” with either a Bluetooth wireless or cable connection. • Communication alternatives. Windows Mobile 6 makes it easier for operators and device-makers to integrate a voice over Internet protocol (VoIP) solution into devices they are building. British Telecom in Europe, as well as HP, will be among the first to provide smartphones with new VoIP offerings for their business customers. And now for the download: right here!

‘Imagine a title everyone puts up here on the last day of 2007′

Really, a week ago I was looking forward to the big celebration, the end of this and the start of a brand new year. Unfortunately the last few days sucked. Not because of the visitors, definitely not, but because there’s something wrong. It started when the person who always keeps me going left me last Thursday. Not left as in abandon, but left as in went home. But soon afterwards I felt emptiness, as if something had been lost… I didn’t have much time to think about it because another friend would arrive the next day.

Office mobile 6.1 aka office mobile 2007

Only for windows mobile 6 smartphones, here it is. Not as impressive as I hoped, it only adds a little extra functionality such as office 2007 support and some other minor stuff. So this will be a very short blogpost with just this link.

Enjoy

Windows live mobile beta 10.6.33.0600

I just keep sticking with IM applications… This one is not meant for your desktop computer, but for any windows mobile 5 or WM6 based device. Instead of using the very slow built in messenger program, or the even worse and slower webbased messenger, this beta has it all. Below are a lot of screenshots and a link to get the beta yourself. For those who don’t know how to install a cab on your windows mobile based smartphone: copy the cab to your device/storage card, and execute it on your phone. Some options are: synchronize your contacts, windows live mail and use windows live search.

MSN 9 download Aka Windows Live Messenger Beta version 2009 (9.0.1407.1107)

Allright, I’m here to share the new windows Live Messenger beta version 2009 (9.0.1407.1107). Some changes have been made, ranging from options to block spam, certain buttons greyed out when chatting with someone using an older version, to setting up specific login and signature sounds for yourself and contacts. And there’s much much more. such as the always present ads, which can be removed using the patch provided in the dl.

Promises

So, I did promis to write some more today, some more about the last week, just because I failed to keep the outside world, yes, you, updated. Current situation:
Location: Home, in the smaller house, upstairs, confined with my two cats (yes, my house consists of two houses, a big and a small one, which have have been put together sometime during the 18th century)
Drinking: Coffee
Eating: nothing, just finished six good sandwiches
Feeling (physical): freezing my ass off, damn cold up here
Feeling (emotional): kindof alone, confined, needing
Feeling (other): something between a hangover and ‘normal’(so not quite ok…)